The Road I Thought I Could Never Walk

How much has changed in our lives since that last post in December. The end of 2009 was mostly sweet, celebrating Christmas with our two beautiful boys. There was stress in our lives, yes, but mostly profound gratitude for the joy of the Gospel and of our little family. My sons were growing up so fast, learning so quickly, filling my heart with such love and happiness. And then, suddenly, what has seemed like a long and terrible nightmare... but, tragically, is now our reality. Certainly by now the few of you who have followed my humble blog know that our dearest, sweetest little Isaac passed away on January 9th. My heart has been broken in a way I could never have imagined, and I have struggled to know what to say, to know what to do about this blog. I have known that I couldn't keep up the light-hearted blog with the whimsical title that this once was. But I have felt the need to continue to write about my children, and wondered what on earth to do.

As I look over the few posts I wrote since Isaac's birth, it seems so very wrong that there is so little recorded of his beautiful life. He was such a joy to me every single day, no matter how tired or inadequate I felt. It has been the great privilege and honor of my life to be his mother. Isaac was the most loving and darling child you could ever meet, and I've done so little to share that. My one consolation is that I wasn't writing about him while he lived mainly because I was busy holding him, nursing him, singing with him, talking to him, enjoying and loving him instead. I felt his babyhood was rushing by, and I kept wishing I could slow it down. But I never dreamed that he would be gone so soon. Honestly, my greatest and deepest fear has always been that something would happen to my children-- but I really thought the Lord knew I could never live through that. Yet here I am, my little Sunshine gone ahead of me.

And I wish you could have known him. Oh, how much I wish you could have seen how his smile lit up his face, how his joy could light up a room. It was impossible to not smile back. I wish you could have watched him scoot around the room, or grunt as he "chased" after his soccer ball. I wish you could have seen how much he liked music, and how he would wave his arm in time to it. I wish you could have seen how deliciously chunky and adorable he was; we called him "The Plumpiest." How he loved to eat! I wish you could have heard him babble and talk and click. Oh, how very much I wish you could have known him!

So I will need to pay tribute to him, somehow, in some way as I get stronger. But I haven't decided how just yet. I have posted some videos of him, and the tribute I wrote for the funeral, on Facebook. I may post them here as well. Or I may create another blog, just dedicated to my sweet, precious Isaac. I'm not sure. So please, bear with me as I stumble along this difficult road. I am grateful for your love, concern, and prayers.